Guide to Post-Separation Abuse
Parallel Parenting:
Co-Parenting After Abuse - Traditional Advice Fail
The Power and Control Wheel:
Using Children: When a Parent Weaponizes Kids to Control Their Partner
When children are involved in an abusive relationship, abusers often use them as tools to maintain
control over their partner.
For parents experiencing abuse, one of the most painful tactics on the Power and Control Wheel is when the abuser uses children as pawns. This form of coercive control turns what should be a parent's greatest joy—their relationship with their children—into another weapon in the abuser's arsenal. The children become messengers, spies, and bargaining chips, caught in the middle of dynamics they're too young to understand.
Using children as a control tactic means the abuser manipulates, threatens, or leverages the parent-child relationship to maintain power over their partner. They might make the survivor feel guilty about the children, use visitation as a harassment opportunity, threaten to take the children away, or turn the children against the other parent. This emotional manipulation damages everyone involved—the targeted parent, the children, and even the parent-child bond itself.
What Is the Power and Control Wheel?
The Power and Control Wheel, developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project in Duluth, Minnesota, illustrates the pattern of tactics abusers use to establish control over intimate partners. At the center sits power and control, surrounded by eight distinct tactics including emotional abuse, intimidation, isolation, economic abuse, psychological abuse, and using children. These tactics work together to trap victims in relationships where they feel powerless to leave.
The Power and Control Wheel was created by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs (DAIP) Copyright © Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs.
How Abusers Use Children as Control Tactics
When abusers weaponize children, they exploit the parent-child bond in ways that serve their need for control. These tactics often intensify after separation, when the abuser has fewer direct ways to control their former partner.
The abuser blames their partner for the children's problems, unhappiness, or behavior. They claim the children are suffering because of the targeted parent's choices, whether that's working outside the home, wanting to leave the relationship, or setting boundaries. The message is clear: if you don't do what I want, you're hurting our children.
Using children to relay messages.
Rather than communicating directly, the abuser sends messages through the children. "Tell your mom she needs to..." or "Ask your dad why he..." This puts children in the uncomfortable position of being messengers and forces them to participate in adult conflicts. It also allows the abuser to avoid accountability for their communication while maintaining contact and control.
Using visitation or custody time to harass.
The abuser treats custody exchanges as opportunities for conflict. They show up late or not at all, refuse to return children on time, interrogate children about the other parent's activities, send harassing messages during the other parent's parenting time, or violate custody agreements knowing the targeted parent won't want to upset the children by involving police.
Threatening to take the children away.
One of the most terrifying threats an abuser can make is claiming they'll get full custody, have the children taken by child protective services, or physically kidnap the children. They may threaten to move out of state, claim the targeted parent is unfit, or say no judge would give custody to someone "like them." These threats keep survivors trapped, afraid that leaving will mean losing their children.
Undermining the parent-child relationship.
The abuser actively works to damage the bond between the targeted parent and children. This might include making the other parent look bad, contradicting their rules or discipline, giving children whatever they want to be the "fun parent," or more severe tactics like "malicious fracturing of attachment"—systematically turning children against the other parent through lies, manipulation, and emotional abuse.
Using the children as spies.
The abuser pumps children for information about the other parent's activities, relationships, finances, or whereabouts. Children become surveillance tools, often without understanding what they're doing. Some abusers reward children for bringing back information or punish them for being loyal to the other parent.
Real-Life Examples of Using Children as Weapons
- ❝ An abuser who texts during the other parent's custody time with "emergencies" that aren't emergencies.
- ❝ Someone who threatens, "If you leave me, I'll make sure you never see these kids again. I'll tell the judge what kind of person you really are."
- ❝ A parent who schedules special activities during the other parent's custody time, forcing children to choose or miss out.
- ❝ An abuser who refuses to follow the parenting plan, then blames the other parent for being "difficult" when they request compliance.
The Connection to Narcissistic Abuse and Coercive Control
Using children as weapons is especially common in narcissistic abuse. Individuals with malignant narcissism view children as extensions of themselves rather than separate human beings with their own needs. The Machiavellian approach to relationships makes children useful tools for maintaining control, with little regard for the emotional damage being done.
This is a devastating form of coercive control because it targets what matters most to parents—their children's wellbeing. Abusers understand that threatening the parent-child relationship is more effective than threats against the targeted parent directly.
Many survivors stay in abusive relationships specifically because they fear losing their children or believe that staying provides more protection for their kids.
The trauma bonding that results from this tactic is complex. Targeted parents may comply with unreasonable demands, accept ongoing abuse, or sacrifice their own wellbeing entirely to maintain access to their children. They may live in constant fear, walking on eggshells to avoid any action the abuser might use to justify custody threats.
The Impact on Survivors
The psychological toll of having children weaponized is immense. Parents describe living in constant fear that their children will be taken, that they'll lose custody, or that the damage to their relationship with their children will be irreparable. This fear is often more paralyzing than fear for their own safety.
The guilt runs deep. Targeted parents blame themselves for their children's exposure to conflict, for not leaving sooner, or for leaving at all. They wonder if they should have stayed to protect the children, even though staying often exposes children to ongoing abuse. The abuser's tactic of making them feel guilty about the children is internalized, creating shame that can last years.
Many parents also experience profound grief over the relationship they could have with their children if not for the other parent's interference. They watch their children parrot the abuser's lies, reject them during custody exchanges, or show signs of emotional distress, and feel powerless to protect them.
The Impact on Children
It's important to understand that using children as pawns damages the children themselves. Children caught in these dynamics often experience:
- • Loyalty conflicts where they feel they must choose between parents
- • Anxiety and stress from carrying adult messages and conflicts
- • Confusion about what's true when parents present conflicting narratives
- • Parentification, where they take on adult roles of mediator or caretaker
- • Long-term effects on their ability to form healthy relationships
- • Depression, behavioral problems, or difficulty in school
Understanding this harm is important, not to create more guilt, but to reinforce why parallel parenting and boundaries are essential—not just for the targeted parent, but for the children's wellbeing.
Healing from This Form of Emotional Abuse
Recovery from having your children weaponized requires both practical strategies and emotional healing. Understanding that this is a deliberate control tactic—not your failure as a parent—is crucial for healing from emotional abuse.
Implement parallel parenting strategies.
Parallel parenting minimizes contact and conflict with an abusive co-parent. Communication happens only in writing, custody exchanges occur in public places or through third parties, and each parent makes decisions during their parenting time without requiring the other's input. This reduces opportunities for harassment and manipulation.
Consider therapy for your children.
Support groups for parents dealing with high-conflict co-parenting can be invaluable. Other parents who understand these dynamics can provide both emotional support and practical strategies. By careful that online groups are not technically private.
Document everything.
Keep detailed records of custody violations, threatening messages, children's reports about concerning behavior, and any interference with your parenting time. Use co-parenting apps like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents that create court-admissible records of all communication.
Create a safe, stable environment during your time.
Focus on what you can control: providing consistency, emotional safety, and age-appropriate honesty during your parenting time. Children benefit from having one parent who doesn't involve them in adult conflicts, even if the other parent continues to do so.
Know your legal rights.
Consult with a family law attorney who understands domestic violence and coercive control. Many of these tactics violate custody orders or constitute contempt of court. Understanding your options—whether that's filing for sole legal custody, requesting supervised visitation, or pursuing contempt charges—empowers you to protect both yourself and your children.
Seek therapeutic support for yourself.
Therapy with someone who understands narcissistic abuse and trauma bonding can help you process the fear, guilt, and grief. It can also help you develop strategies for responding to ongoing manipulation without becoming reactive.
Connect with other parents.
Support groups for parents dealing with high-conflict co-parenting can be invaluable. Other parents who understand these dynamics can provide both emotional support and practical strategies. By careful that online groups are not technically private.
Practice self-compassion.
You are not responsible for your co-parent's choices to weaponize the children. You did not cause this situation. The guilt you feel is a product of the abuse itself. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate one of the most painful aspects of leaving an abusive relationship.
You Can Protect Your Relationship with Your Children
Understanding this control tactic helps you respond strategically rather than reactively. Every time you refuse to engage in conflict, communicate only in writing, or maintain boundaries despite pressure, you're modeling healthy behavior for your children and protecting the long-term parent-child relationship.
Children who grow up witnessing one parent use parallel parenting and boundaries while the other creates conflict eventually recognize the difference. They see which parent kept them out of adult issues and which parent made them messengers. This recognition may not happen immediately—sometimes not until they're adults—but it does often happen.
If you're still in a relationship where your partner threatens or manipulates regarding the children, know that help is available. Domestic violence advocates can help you understand your legal options and create a safety plan.
You are a good parent. Your love for your children is not measured by how much you endure,
but by how you protect them—and yourself—from ongoing harm.
You don't have to figure this out alone.
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